Monday, January 26, 2009

Decisions

I want to thank all of you for weighing in on the crossroads I am facing with this blog. I took all of your advice and your thoughts very seriously and carefully examined my options. It seems that many of you less-than-anonymous fellow bloggers also at times wish you could be anonymous to get stuff out that you don't feel safe getting out now. That gave me lots of comfort.

Basically, I started this blog a few years back not for any readers I might attract but for myself and myself only. The reason I decided (after some struggle then, too) to let my family read it was because at my core I am an open person. I might not volunteer much information in person and I firmly believe in boundaries. But there is rarely a question I find too personal or information I am absolutely unwilling to share. It is precisely because of the close relationship I have with my family that I felt comfortable enough to let them read it. Honestly, even the stupid silly stuff I post is usually given a test drive with my parents and I have always discussed the bigger issues with them first.

But lately I have not really wanted to talk about the frustration I've felt with my job, the area, and the inevitability of re-entering the job market in the not-distant-enough future. I think my parents have given me a little bit of space and as always my friends operate on a "reveal only on your own terms" basis. I express these feeling in fits and starts, and for now that's good enough. But the fact that my willingness to open up about this in person and on my online journal has declined is an indication that maybe things have taken a turn and I need to straighten out to stay on course. I need to be more candid here and at the same time I need to feel like I can be more candid here.

There have been times here where I have really let my vulnerable side show. When we lost Randy. When I decided to let it be known that I have had chronic struggles with clinical depression and I don't regret those things at all. In fact, I was very encouraged by the responses I got in the comment section and in real life. So why should this be different?

I don't want to go anonymous. I really don't see how I could do so without shutting out both my family and some of my favorite people, my fellow bloggers. And what would I gain? As fermi put it, maybe a little restraint is a good thing. If you have a place where you just vent, that place can come back to bite you. I know that as spants said, she maintains some anonymity while letting some in on the secret. I don't feel like I could exclude my family in that kind of scenario. And besides, I get the feeling she still doesn't write anything online that she wouldn't say in person if pressed. Me, I'm still a little too scared of confrontation should I be found out. Plus, as I wrote earlier, I barely have time to keep up this one like I should.

So here's the revised pact I want to make with you. I want to open up more than I have been recently. There is a lot of discomfort with where I am in this stage of my life. But really, who isn't feeling this? Our country is not in a good place and I don't know a single person who hasn't been affected personally by it. We're no exception and Dean has been reassuring me endlessly we are still better off than many. That is cold comfort, but better than none. I have to trust you, readers. As my dad put it yesterday on the phone, I need to give my readers the credit due that they will see me as the complex person I am, not the one-dimension persona I've been putting forth recently. But to help me get back on track, you need to trust me too. Those of you who know me in real life have to respect this space for exactly what it is intended to be - an online journal. A peak into my mind and emotions. I am not one to keep things bottled up, and there might be times this is the only place I feel like getting it out. Don't take offense or see it as an affront. See it as me using one of the many channels available to me to work things through. When I wrote my depression posts, it took me days to write each one. Turning things over in my mind, finding exactly the right expressions. That might happen here too.

Anyway, enough rambling on about myself. How was your weekend?

7 comments:

Jeni said...

My two cents here -let flow and write whatever you wish, as long as YOU feel comfortable with it. If you feel anything straining on you to be more reserved, then follow that lead. If/when things you think could/should be shared that you had previously backed off on doing, then your body and mind are coming together to tell you the time has come to be open about whatever the topic was/is. Now, I'm gonna sound like my son and ask you "Does this make sense?" (He is always saying that to the extent it often drives me batty -like people who say "like" every other word, ya know.)
I do think any of us reading your blog, and as we write in our own too, can relate to the issues of what should I, what can I talk about and to what extent. And we each, in our own time and space, have to make that decision then too. You'll come out on the top side because you've always used your power of being discrete very wisely in the past while still maintaining a well-written and interesting blog at the same time.
Do what you feel is the best for you. It is, after all, your blog and those who read it faithfully, will understand your needs there too.

gabrielle said...

"you take pikchas and strangers look ad em? and you write bout personal, private stuff!? right on duh compuduh! that's f’ing incredible!” A quote from Diane’s new blog.

Yep that about sums it up.

It takes courage to veer from the familiar into that which as yet is formless.
It seems we have all been in a holding pattern for so long, we forget what it feels like to be on terra firma. The first few steps may be a little wobbly til we find our footing.

I'm always interested in what you have to say and how you say it.

Thank you for posing the questions we are all asking.

fermicat said...

We are all struggling in some shape or form. Even if things are going well for someone personally, there is such bad news every day for so many others that I don't know if it is even possible to be truly happy in such a time. I like your blog -- just keep writing whatever strikes you and we'll be here to share.

Anonymous said...

Natalie:
In retrospect, I've found that some of the hardest times of my life have also brought me some of the best things. And a sense of strength and accomplishment after I had worked my way through it. I hope that whatever struggles you are facing now also bring you similar rewards. Please keep blogging. Catsfursure

Dianne said...

I don't how I missed the previous post - actually I do, I get bogged down in my own muck at times. I know I have something I want to say yet don't whenever I find myself taking more photos than writing.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud on the blog - I post all this funny, in your face, we will survive stuff when inside I have no clue what I'm doing and day to day life is miserable

but then I realize that all of that is part of day to day - sharing the good is just as important as sharing the not so good

I absolutely say nothing on my blog that I wouldn't say in person. What the blog does is allow me to form the questions better. It also give me a voice about things that my family and immediate friends aren't interested in.

I love you in all your complexities - and you're best when you are just you.

Mi/Si send sloppy kisses

Hot4Teacha said...

You are an enigma wrapped around a question mark, Nat - there are so many dimensions to you, there's no way anyone would take you for one-dimensional!! And I love every single one of them, no matter if they show on the blog or not. I'm impressed with how deeply you think about things, how strongly you feel things, how much you care, how bright you are, how you take a stand...you impress me all the time.

Elizabeth said...

This is my first visit to your blog. I found you via your blogger profile; I live in New England also.
From your posts I can see you are a very sensitive person. If this is your personal journal, which is what a "blog" originally was, rantings, ruminatings, opinions and daily events, then write at whatever level you are comfortable.
I hope you'll stop by for a visit.