Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Regrouping

The past several days have felt like a period of regrouping for me.

First of all, our country is regrouping. Yesterday was...indescribable. I loved every part of it. The ceremony was cathartic - the ritual of saying good bye to a leader and ushering in a new one. No matter how you felt about George W. Bush, the contrast of what we were letting go and what we were welcoming in was striking. And I can't even speculate as to what African Americans were thinking while some were old enough to remember segregation. I know this was special to them and those of all races and ethnicities who fought to end those deep injustices. But the thing I like about this man is that he doesn't belong to just one bloodline, everyone who voted for him can lay some sort of claim to his success. Young, old, black, white, hispanic, asian, old young, educated, blue-collar, we put him where he is. I don't kid myself that things will turn around overnight, but for once I don't feel like the president is only out for his own interests or the interests of the wealthy and those who graduated from the same class at Yale.

But I honestly wasn't thinking about the historic implications of Obama's presidency as he put his right hand up and recited the oath of office. What I was thinking with tears running down my face was "thank God we got this right." Like many of my fellow American's, I've watched the last eight years unfold in terror as our administration waged a poorly planned war against a country whose culture they never did understand all the while lying to us about why and accusing those who asked questions of heresy. These same people appointed their friends to important jobs, friends who proved completely inept while one of our greatest cities drowned. And then gave themselves a hearty pat on the back for doing a heckuva job. And lastly, these same people, who claimed to have abhorred goverment, robbed its own treasury to give to those going out of business because they thought rules and regulations were useless. In my opinion, these last eight years should have never happened. But they did and we'll be living with the fallout for a very long time. But the fact that this man will be sitting in the oval office manning the ship from here on out gives me hope.



Now, on to administrative business. I need to regroup my blog. I've been really unhappy with it lately and I'm not sure how to explain it to you in a way that will make sense. This blog is supposed to be my voice. And increasingly I've felt like it isn't. This isn't the real me. The past six months or so I've been blogging in one voice and living in another. When I went back and reread my New Year's post I noticed two things about the tone. One was that it was so sugary and upbeat that if I hadn't written it, I'd likely want to strangle the person who did. The second was that not once in that post, nor several others that I've written in the past several months, have I come out and said what I'm really thinking. Here's what I'm really thinking: I feel vulnerable. I feel scared. And a lot of the time I feel very unhappy. I don't think this is a bout of my previous struggles with depression, aside from the general blanket of depression and anxiety that has been draped over this country since the layoffs, the unemployment numbers, and the plummeting stocks. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But some days those things are harder to think of than others. I don't know how to express these feelings and how much detail to go into. Some things I feel like I need to work through myself. I will be honest - there are lots of times I wish I were anonymous like many of my blogs friends. I envy you, keepers of anonymous blogs, for being able to share such deeply personal feelings and experiences. Please know that I have them too. I have thought about starting a second, anonymous blog but who the hell am I kidding? I can barely keep up with this one. So in sum, I'm not sure which direction this blog will take. I just know it can't continue in the same vein it is now. Any thoughts? Suggestions? I care what you think and any ideas are better than none.

12 comments:

Jackie said...

First, Congrats on your new President, I watched it with tears in my eyes too! Wonderful day for both the US and the World!

Second, blog what your heart tells you to blog, I will be reading either way, happy or sad. This is YOUR place, and no one elses. And if you need to go annon then go. You can do both blogs. You don't owe it to anyone to post daily, or weekly or monthly. If you want to have both, this one to keep up with friends, and another one to stay just for you, then do it. And only post on either one when you want to.

(wow, talk about a run-on sentance! lol)

fermicat said...

Me too! Happy about Obama, although I have been working crazy hours and haven't had time to process it all in my own mind, much less blog about it!

But about your other points. You made the same mistake I did. YOU MOVED TO NEW ENGLAND RIGHT WHEN IT GOT COLD AND DARK AND AWFUL!!! Hang in there until spring and you might find that things look differently. But these are bleak times, and this is a very bleak time of year in the northeast. I had lived in Atlanta for 29 years and just could not believe that the sun set before 4:30pm and that it would be completely dark by 5:00! And then there was the cold and snow... Maybe this does not bother you because of your Minnesota roots, but I could hardly bear it. Not to mention that things are truly awful these days, with all the daily layoffs in the news and everything.

Just write what you feel like writing. I also share you wish for an anonymous blog -- too many family and friends know about mine for me to be completely candid and accurate about everything. But maybe it is a good thing to show some restraint and not just let 'em have it, ya know? Write when you have something you want to say (or share those cute cat photos). We'll be here for you.

Anonymous said...

Natalie:
I agree with Jackie. Blog what is in your heart. Blog what you are really thinking and feeling. And, to most people who just link onto your blog as I have, you are anonymous. Your close friends may know who you are...but the rest of us out here in cyber space just know you as Magnetbabe - a woman with a very busy and interesting life, with a great love for cats.
Catsfursure

Sarah said...

Go anonymous. I'm not completely anonymous, but still, it's nice. I can bitch away about pretty much anything. It's very freeing. Of course, I'm the least anonymous I've ever been. And I've never been truly anonymous as I've always had a friend or two who I let in on the secret.

But you should keep this blog, too. See how it goes. Once you get out of your funk, you might want to be here more. Plus, this place lets you keep up with your friends and family. You don't want to lose that.

Sarah said...

See? Like there. I forgot to post as Spants. Whoops!

labwench said...

Go anonymous.
If you choose to periodically update this blog to keep family and friends informed, so be it. But going anonymous in a new blog will allow you the freedom to write that you do not currently feel.

labwench said...

or simply think about what you want in terms of an audience.
a) if you want a known audience, you may choose to keep up with this blog.
b) if you want an anonymous audience, you may choose to keep an anonymous blog.
c) if you don't want an audience at all, don't keep a blog at all. if you still feel the need to write, you can always keep a journal the old-fashioned way (pen and paper) or in a word document.
the point is, it's entirely up to you. do what's best for you.

Hot4Teacha said...

Nat, I wonder, have you thought about WHY your blogging hasn't been "you"? Do you feel your readers have expectations that you need to fulfill? Are you feeling pressured somehow, by feedback here or just in general, to represent yourself differently than who you really are?

'Cuz I'll tell you right now, I've always loved you and will always love you, JUST AS YOU ARE, and you can blog whatever you damn well please, and feel whatever you want or need to feel. If it's not a roses 'n' sunshine day, then to heck with it. If it is, that's all right too. I'll read no matter what, when, or how much you post.

dr sardonicus said...

Just write what you want, when you want. Maybe you need to take some time away from blogging to sort out your life - you've been through a lot of changes in the past year, and they're still going on. Maybe you're moving out of your Magnetbabe phase and moving into a whole new era of your life.

In your case, though, I don't know how you do an anonymous blog at this point unless nobody reads it. My feeling is why blog if you have no readers? Although you could also look at it as keeping a private diary. Maybe that's what you need, a place to work out all those thoughts in private and decide which ones you want to share, and which ones you want to keep to yourself.

Christopher said...

I think you have already made your decision and this post was the first installment. You have an excellent forum for starting a dialog on things that really matter to you and others. Your POV is why people visit this site. Speaking your heart has already had an impact – Gabrielle’s blog, http://wildgoosescoopsmoon.blogspot.com/, credited you and Maithri with giving her the courage to post a very thought provoking examination of others who speak from their heart and are not always showered with accolades for doing so. We will support you.

Minnesotablue said...

Magnetbabe: I know the pressure I put on myself to always have something new and unique to say. Do what is the best for you my dear.

Scott said...

I think I've come around to not really blogging about my feelings anymore. It's like a rudderless ship right now. But I like have some form of anonymity because I can say what I want, although there really is a traceback to my real name if someone were to investigate it hard enough due to the writing contests I've participated in. Go anonymous and write what you want, but let some of us know where it is and I promise not to tell or use your name when posting comments. It's a release to let your feelings out in writing.