Thursday, March 23, 2006


Dear Brainhell,

Well, I have given your comment a lot of thought. And you are absolutely right. Physics in its present form is corrupting the minds of the young. I am purpetuating this corruption by supporting the "accepted" notion of gravity first set forth by Newton and modified by Einstein. Both were horrible people, by the way. There is a reason why the government does not support so-called "fundamental physics" anymore. It is morally wrong. If I continue to spread the words of Newton and Einstein, I will be on the fast track to hell. That is why I have accepted the notion of "intelligent falling" as described below, courtesy of The Onion*.

Thank you for making me see the error of my ways.


Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

August 17, 2005

KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

Burdett added: "Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."

Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world's leading institution of evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation of the Bible.

According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.

The ECFR, in conjunction with the Christian Coalition and other Christian conservative action groups, is calling for public-school curriculums to give equal time to the Intelligent Falling theory. They insist they are not asking that the theory of gravity be banned from schools, but only that students be offered both sides of the issue "so they can make an informed decision."

"We just want the best possible education for Kansas' kids," Burdett said.

Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different theories used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not internally consistent. Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that Einstein's ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with quantum mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say, proves that gravity is a theory in crisis.

"Let's take a look at the evidence," said ECFR senior fellow Gregory Lunsden."In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about some gravity making them fall—just that they will fall. Then, in Job 5:7, we read, 'But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.' If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards with great surety? This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence governs all falling."

Critics of Intelligent Falling point out that gravity is a provable law based on empirical observations of natural phenomena. Evangelical physicists, however, insist that there is no conflict between Newton's mathematics and Holy Scripture.

"Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein's general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world," said Dr. Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work with the Kansan Youth Ministry. "They've been trying to do it for the better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical observation and carefully compiled data, they still don't know how."

"Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that 'gravity waves' and 'gravitons' are just secular words for 'God can do whatever He wants.'"

Some evangelical physicists propose that Intelligent Falling provides an elegant solution to the central problem of modern physics.

"Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the 'electromagnetic force,' the 'weak nuclear force,' the 'strong nuclear force,' and so-called 'force of gravity,'" Burdett said. "And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus."

*This article was first brought to my attention months ago by my dad. I could not in good conscience write a response to Brainhell's comment without including it.


Scott said...

This was hilarious! I wish I could make stuff up like this. The new look is great. Did you make it yourself?

Runner Girl FL said...

Wow you have been busy!! One little home network issue and I can't check blogs for 12 hours and look what happens!!


So all those mothers at church who yell to their children "Stop Running your gonna Fall!!" should actually yell "Stop running God's gonna getcha!!" Now I get it. Thank you for clearing that up. :)

brainhell said...

magnetbabe, It is good to see an unclean woman such as you were accept my will. Now, get on your knees, crawl into the kitchen, make me a ham sandwich, and gestate that fully-human blastocyst. K?

magnetbabe said...

Thanks. No, it's still a template I found on the web but I did modify it some. I am working on trying to make my own template, in between all the gazillion other things I have on my plate.

runner girl-
Exactly. Isn't that what Church is for anyway? Don't do anything fun or God's gonna getcha?

Sorry. I'm taking this show on the road. What better to get converts with than a reformed sinner? I'm like the Mary Magdalene of physics. You'll have to rely on lefty for your reproductive needs...

justacoolcat said...

Funny stuff, I like your blog.

magnetbabe said...

Thanks, justacoolcat! Feel free to stop back anytime.