Friday, July 21, 2006

Emotional Wreck

I am not a happy girl. Postdoc's last day is Monday. He is going back to India on Thursday. I think today was supposed to be his last day but he isn't close to finishing up all he wanted to before leaving.

Postdaoc is my closest friend in the lab. I have my boys that I joke around with and make crude jokes with, but Postdoc and I are like research soulmates. We think on the same wavelength as well as compliment eachother's strengths. We've published several papers together and he always remarks what a great team we make. Plus I've grown extremely close to his wife and young daughter who is about the cutest kid ever.

I know that I should be happy for him. He got a good position at his alma mater, the University of Hyderabad, and he'll only be a couple hours from his parents which makes it wonderful for his daughter. But doesn't he care about me?! I can't believe he'd give up shitty pay, a small apartment, poor health insurance, very little prestige, and a neurotic, whiny co-dependent graduate student (ahem) to go back to his homeland.

We have liquid helium this week and he has told me to try to manage it without his help. Everything is screwing up. The computer keeps crashing. It took me 24 hours to reaalize I mounted my sample wrong. When the magnet works it's giving me noisy data. I just can't do it without him. I don't understand why he won't stay just for me.

Last week we met with another research associate, Dr. W, in the department that has done some collaborating with us before. He's supposed to help out with a new batch of samples from Spain. He, Postdoc and I outlined a stratedgy which I am supposed to complete while staying in close contact with Postdoc. Then I realized postdoc had contacted Dr. W with the intention of gently handing me off to him. When this dawned on me, I called him on it.

"Did you get Dr. W involved just to hold my hand?"

Dr. W, "Well, don't think of it like that. Not that I wouldn't mind holding your hand..."

"I can't believe this. First you're leaving me and now you're shoving me off on someone else."

Postdoc spent quite awhile consoling me after that. Don't get me wrong. I adore Dr. W. But he's not my Postdoc and we don't have a research groove yet. I know I will have to be patient and give it some time. And try to be happy for my friend.


Jackie said...

some people are so inconsiderate! lol

Sounds like Dean should take you out for supper to help make you feel better!

brainhell said...

He loves you and though separated by distance you and he will collaborate on a project that wins him the Nobel Prize. You should be proud ;-)

Runner Girl FL said...

I know you are going to miss him but I think rather than thinking that you need hand, he knows you are going to do very well. And you both know that it is because of all the hard work you have done together that you will now be able to continue.

I know you'll miss him. Just think now you will have a place to stay if you visit!!

Scott said...

That's a bummer. Life is so transient any more. I grew up moving from school to school, from mother to step-mother to step-mother. Change is inevitable, but never easy.

dancingo4 said...

It is the worst when someone else's happiness brings about your disappointment. Even though you are happy for them, you can't help but have your feelings as well.

I'm sure you'll find some inner knowledge and surprise yourself with what you can accomplish by yourself! (or with your new peeps)

magnetbabe said...

I know I have a home in India if I go stay. Likewise, I told him that no matter where Dean and I end up, our home is theirs as well.

We are going to continue to collaborate and talk and email often. We have no choice, we are in the middle of several projects. I doubt any of them will win either of us the Nobel. A girl can dream though...

Transience is a common thing in this field, which I need to learn to deal weith better. I get so attached to people! I hope I do figure things out for myself, my new peeps are of little help. They are bright , but at the bottom of the hierarchy and Postdoc's departure has bumped me up significantly. For the most part, I'm thrilled for him. He really couldn't stay here forever so it's best leave on the brightest note possible.

Thanks, all, for your comments.