Loyalty

This post may get a little long and even a bit cryptic so don’t feel obligated to read it all. I just need to get it out of my head. And if you want to share advice, opinions or thoughts please do.

I had the annual symposium for NSF fellows yesterday and as I sat down at one of the students table I noticed right away that two of the people were not people I was currently on speaking terms with. Now, I’ve never considered myself as difficult to get along with. I think I am a nice person, a good friend and intensely loyal. Maybe to a fault. The two people I am speaking of had at some point broken my trust, or deeply hurt one of my friends. One of the girls is someone I had repeatedly tried to be friends with, only to find myself burned a few times over. She had also done the same thing to runnergirl and even Randy. The other girl played a role in driving a wedge between my good anonymous friend and her roommate. The result was my good friend being all but forced to move out of her apartment so this girl could move in. I don’t know her that well myself, but she comes off as extremely shallow and immature. I ended up taking a seat between her boyfriend and an extremely friendly engineer whose company I really enjoy. He leads our biweekly discussion and lets me sit out on the animal testing talks because it gives me such bad anxiety. Anyway, just as an aside about how immature some of these people were, that girl and her boyfriend sat and texted each other during the whole keynote address. Recall they were sitting right next to each other.

The point I am trying to make is: When did I become someone who is reluctant to talk to people because of a history? I used to be so good at letting things go. I take pride in the fact that I stick up for what I believe is right. I want to be thought of as someone with convictions, about which I am passionate, not some spineless blob of goo who agrees with everyone. But on the other hand, people generally like the gooey spineless people because they are friendly and easy to get along with. But I am human and I want people to like me too! You know that I am worried about walking the fine line between “strong woman” and “bitchy woman”. And the line is blurry depending on who you are asking. But it almost always exists.

Another related story on my mind involves how loyal my friends are to me. While my labmates and I were in Denver last month, I got into an argument with another grad student from our department. It was a very bad situation (yes, there was alcohol involved which often exacerbates bad situations) and one of my labmates- who is also a very close friend- wouldn’t stick up for me. I’m not talking about “sticking up” as in “agreeing with me” during a political discussion. I don’t need that, I can hold my own in political discussions. I mean “sticking up” as in attesting to my character when it is being verbally attacked. As a last resort, I said, “Would you like to weigh in about this?!” To which he responded, “I think I’ll stay out of it.” Needless to say, the other grad student is another on my “don’t speak to” list at the moment. Of course, gooey, spineless labmate is as chummy with him as ever.

So what do I do? I work with my labmates for 8-10 hours a day and I don’t want to wreck my relationship with any of them. But I also feel like his lack of standing up for me is still really an issue. I haven’t gotten over it and I’m not going to get over it until he understands the magnitude of how this hurt me. Much worse than the other grad whose opinion of me I couldn’t care less about at this point. Okay, if you’re still reading this, now is the time to chime in. And I promise, I won’t put any of you on my Don’t Speak To list.

Dinner, Dumpster Style

My step dad took this picture of the dumpster kitties while he was in town. This is about half- they get a little shy around strangers. All of these are fixed. (Sylvia- the tabby right up front is the same one you were asking about the other day!)

Insomnia

Why is it that when I have an especially busy week ahead of me, rather than taking advantage of precious sleep, I stay up all night thinking about stupid stuff? I woke up at 3:30 this morning, and have been up since. Lovely way to start to a busy work week.

All of my 10^11 of neurons were firing at once last night. Here’s a random sampling:

• What am I going to make for dinner Thursday night? (I have Monday-Wednesday figured out already.)


• When am I gong to make it to Target this week? I want to go because I want to break down and buy one of those huge Tupperware containers for gift wrap and store in under the bed rather than have my gift wrap randomly tossed in our measly hall closet.


• When can I get my hair cut?! My ends feel like steel wool.


• I can’t forget to change the fan in Old Bessie before I leave for Minnesota.


• Can I refrain from drinking too much at this year’s NSF poster symposium on Wednesday?


• Should I have Heather try to do a Spay Day for me while I’m in Minnesota? It will be difficult to describe the few that still need fixing.

The whole bed becomes disrupted when I can’t sleep. Mainly because what does everyone do when they can’t sleep? Toss and turn. Only for me, tossing and turning goes from position #1 (me on my side, Nellie on my feet, Allison curled in my knee pits, Wrigley curled against my stomach) to position #2 (me on my back, Nellie on my feet, Allison on my chest, Wrigley by my shoulder) and vice versa causing a stir. Occasionally during this repositioning Dean will get disrupted and switch positions. If his switching coincides with one of the cats switching he can roll over onto one and then everyone is put on the defensive. Which brings me to a common, not so random thought: when we finally move out of this dump, we need a bigger bed than a full size.

Who the @$#% are You?

I had a startling realization yesterday. I remember a little under five years ago joining the physics department, which was very small but growing rapidly. I remember being taken under the wings of runnergirl, and cheesehead, and Randy. They'd be sure to invite Dean and me to social functions because we were 1500 miles from home and didn't know a soul. Many of the older grad students just ignored me because there was such a high drop out rate that they didn't really bother getting to know anyone. I knew who they were though. They seemed so smart and light years ahead of me in knowledge. At the start of my second year, it was as if they noticed me for the first time.

Yesterday, an undergraduate member of our local chapter of the Society of Physics Students stopped by the lab. She was updating the physics department website, specifically the grad student directory. Besides taking a picture of our newest grad student, she asked us senior students (namely James and me) if we wanted our pictures updated. Updated? Were they that old?

I pulled up the directory online and promptly noticed that I had no idea who any of these people are. I recognized my "friends" which consisted of members from my lab and the lab down the hall. A couple other faces vaguely rang a bell. "Who the hell are these people?" I tactlessly asked the undergrad.

"Um, that's our department." I was a little embarrassed. I scrolled down to my picture. It wasn't too outdated, save for a general look of naivety on my face. I kept scrolling down.

Aha! Someone I recognized that didn't work on the second floor. "I thought this guy was an undergrad." I commented.

"Mike? He's defending his master's next week." Oops.

So it's happened. I've become a physicist hermit. I feel like I've done an even worse job than the older generation did when I first got here. Some of these people have escaped my notice for more than a year. Granted, we are still rapidly growing and there are more new faces to deal now than when I first started.

I decided to update my picture just because the old one was taken up against a plain white wall, making it slightly reminiscent of a mug shot. I had the undergrad take my picture in front of my poster that I displayed at the last conference. I'm going to share it with you because I think it actually turned out pretty good:



It reminds me that I should update the picture associated with my profile, it is a bit out of date as well. I should hunt down that undergraduate. She does good work. What was her name, again?

Good News for Me, Nothing Changes for You

I got some good news late last week. I interviewed for an internship at a prestigious magnetic hard drive company. I thought this interview was a total long shot and I barely gave any thought to the logistics. The reason I interviewed at all was because since I am in an applied physics Ph.D. program, we are required to complete an internship with a private company. Some students have really taken advantage of this system and taken unique opportunities all over the country and overseas. Others have simply "phoned it in" by spending a couple weeks working for the "companies" that some departmental professors own for intellectual property reasons. These companies may or may not physically even exist, but the requirements for the internship are QUITE loose. Frankly, I was planning on phoning it in. Dean talked me in to going for a position, specifically at this company. And seemingly against all odds, I got the internship!

The details: I will spend three months working for this company, located in Minneapolis. They don't advertise these positions because they won't pay for relocation. They usually only take local applicants, but for me there was an exception because technically they won't need to relocate me. I'll be staying with family, though I haven't figured out whom or for how long. I don't expect one person to put me up for three months so most likely I will be a vagabond wandering from one welcome home to another. Good thing I have a big family.

I'm so excited for this opportunity. An internship from this company will look awesome on my resume, no matter where I want to work. And if Dean and I decide to try being Minnesotans again, I will have a legitimate shot at getting a position there (provided my new boss likes me...). I get to spend the summer in my hometown with family, friends, the lakes, the parks, the pleasant weather (compared to Florida's summer) and of course the Twins.

Of course, I wrote "nothing changes for you" as my readers because I will try to continue posting as much as possible. Though it may be crazy at first. I'm not leaving though for another six weeks.

Afterwards, I am really in the home stretch. Most likely less than a year before graduation, then Dr. Magnetbabe. It's going to be terribly tough being away from Deano and the kitties. But he is going up to Minnesota for 5 days in June and I'm sure I'll get down to Tampa another time. In the meantime it's not like I'll be bored!