Readjusting

I am back in a life I am a little more used to. For fifteen weeks I thought everyday of sleeping next to my husband, snuggling my kitties, going to work with people who felt more like siblings than coworkers. And yet, now that I have these things once again I still feel unsettled. It could just be my tentative nature. But as much as I recognize how wonderful it is to be home, I still feel like something is not quite right. There’s a little knot in my tummy and my sleeping has not been sound. The sleeping thing is exacerbated by the fact that I actually got used to sleeping alone. Suddenly sharing a bed with another person AND three not-so-small cats isn’t a natural feeling. Add to it that one of the cats likes to bite in the middle of the night and that quiet bed in my dad’s basement doesn’t seem so bad.

Oddly enough, part of my brewing anxiety comes from still not having seen all of my dumpster kitties. Their schedule was pretty upended the last days I was gone with one of my friends catching a couple litters of kittens that had popped up just recently. As a result, I think they are keeping scarce and their feeding schedule has been thrown off by all the trapping. I'll be happier when the dinner attendance is a little more consistent.

My last week at my internship was good. I presented my main results to the group and it was a success. I met with my manager the last day. He complimented me and seemed to understand everything that I couldn’t say. After three months of feeling like no one was communicating with me, he said he thought I did a great job. He said he didn’t know what the group would be like when I was ready to graduate, or even if I was would be interested, but that he would be more than happy to write me an excellent recommendation letter to any other research group in the company if I wanted. This seems like the perfect solution and all indications I received throughout the summer were that my manager was a guy who would be listened to.

Yesterday I got back into the lab and it felt good to be out of the cubes and into an open space. Unfortunately all my pens and post-it notes are missing but like I said, we’re basically a family. What’s mine is yours, whether I like it or not. Now I have to get my paperwork in order, re-establish contact with collaborators (and friends), and try to figure out exactly what I was doing before I left.

I just wanted to check in and let you all know I arrived safely and am back in the lab. More later when I find my groove.

Reunion Weekend

My last weekend in Minneapolis was pretty fun. I spent the whole time with my mom and step dad. Saturday morning I tagged along while they ran errands. I helped them pick out a new stove while I drooled over all the kitchen appliances I still have to wait for until we move on up outta the ghetto. We had tickets to the Twins game so we tried to get a late lunch/early dinner at Gluek’s (sounds like “Glick’s”) because I haven’t eaten there since we moved. They were closed until later that evening for a private party. I was sorely disappointed and since it was raining and a little chilly we just crossed to street and ate at NBA City inside the Target Center. My parents are Timberwolves season ticket holders and they said NBA City was pretty good. But they will be the first to admit that their palettes are aligned more with pub food than fine dining. I was shocked. It was really very good. I had the pot roast, one of their signature dishes and I was very pleased. The service was phenomenal (it helped that we were one of maybe a half dozen occupied tables) and the waiter obviously knew much more about food than sports. When I called Dean that night for my nightly “check in” I had totally forgotten that he had eaten at the NBA City in Orlando several weeks back and had the same impression. He said he had thoroughly enjoyed the bleu cheese pasta- another of their specialties.

After dinner we went to the Twins game. This year is the 20^th anniversary of the 1987 World Series win and they chose this weekend for the reunion weekend. Other than the actual game (which they lost- offense was deplorable as usual) it was very fun. They handed out 20^th Anniversary Homer Hankies to all the fans to wave during the reunion parade. They got the 1987 team together, save for a few guys, and had a parade inside the Metrodome. Pickup trucks drove around carrying a couple guys in each and they threw balls into the stands while having their personal feats announced by Dick Bremer. They also played highlight reels of the post season games and celebration. Of course there wasn’t a dry eye in the house during the Kirby Puckett tribute and while the pickup truck meant for him drove by carrying his two kids instead. All in all it was so much fun going back to that time. 1987 wasn’t nearly their best season, but those scrappy guys made it to the playoffs and fought tooth and nail for each win. What I remember most about that season (I actually remember 1991 much better, I was 12 years old, versus a mere 8 years old in 1987) was the Homer Hanky. I wore that thing everyday and in every way. Tied in my ponytail, around my neck, around my head or through a belt loop. So waving mine at the pot-bellied, gray-haired Twins that brought us those thrilling moments 20 years ago was a joy.

Yesterday was rainy again so we just went to the Mall of America and did some shopping. Seems everyone had the same idea as it was packed more similar to the holiday season than the dog days of summer. But it was still a fun time. I got a shirt, some funky new tennis shoes and these from Williams-Sonoma. So excited to try them when I get back.

Speaking of getting back, only 5 days left. I'm so wound up I can hardly stand it! Usually I have such mixed feelings about leaving Minneapolis. I always feel like I don’t have enough time. This time, I think three and half months was long enough.

Finishing Up

Well, it's really almost over. A week from tomorrow is my last day here, and I'll actually be sad to go. It seems like with temporary situations they end just as you are growing comfortable. My first few weeks here were filled with such anxiety, such upheaval that I never thought I'd get through it. The culture was so different but now I'm a part of it. And yes, to answer your question (and my manager's) I will be submitting my application for employment when the time comes. It remains to be seen whether I will be hired, to which department or even if I would accept. But I would be an idiot not to at least apply.

For three months I felt like I didn't really fit in and that I was in way over my head. Then last week, my manager's manager (a very important lady) asked if I was planning to apply after I graduate. My mentor (who I have a difficult time getting a read on) went a step further and asked if I was going to apply to our group. I was surprised at this development. But I will likely take the diplomatic approach of applying through HR to see what's available.

Yesterday, we had our quarterly departmental meeting where I got an award for teamwork. My manager read a short speech how I started out knowing nothing about disk drives and am now regularly contributing to the group's progress. I got a fake Oscar with Teamwork on it, but more importantly I will be receiving a monetary award in my next paycheck. I was very touched and again surprised. Yay me.

It is possible that I have misread the attitude towards me and my work. One thing (and maybe the most important thing) I have learned this summer is not to measure a private company with an academic yardstick. No, they are not there to coddle me or make sure I have the best experiences possible. This is a business and I was hired to do a specific job. I did that job to the best of my ability and it seems like it was good enough to gain a little recognition. Not all my bosses are going to be like my advisor, Dr. Hari. In fact none of them probably will be. The sooner I learn that the better.

Today was Intern Day, and I had to present my main results from this summer in front of the other interns and all the managers. I was pretty nervous about it, and the subject matter was still new enough so that I felt a little uneasy teaching it to others. Even though it wasn't my best presentation, I think I still have many of the more socially challenged physicists beat. For "graduating" from the intern program, I was then given a 6GB pocket hard drive. I'm cleaning up this week.

The best part though was that my manager and mentor were invited to all the Intern Day activities including free lunch and cake. Yesterday when I handed the agenda to my mentor, he read it out loud.

"8:30 to 8:45- mingle. Mingle? I don't think so." Typical physicist.

Anticipation

Well, it's finally here. No, I'm not talking the iPod I broke down and ordered. (I know, it's about time. Hello, 2005!) I'm talking about Friday- a day full of magical feelings and anticipatory giddiness. Fridays are for long lunches (followed by an afternoon walk if the weather is good), extra internet time, and fantasizing about sleeping until noon the next day. On Friday, Monday is forever away and the possibilities for the weekend are endless. I'll tell you a secret. On Fridays, I usually have a cup of coffee at 3 pm! That way I won't pass out at 10. I can enjoy a couple of cocktails and pass out just a little later. I sure know how to get wild. Happy Friday everyone and I hope your weekend just as wonderful as you are imagining right now.

Back to Reality

Well, I’m back to work today after a lovely five days in Tampa visiting my husband and furry children. For the most part it was blissful. The days Dean had to work I slept late with the cats sprawled out on the bed, read, watched the Twins give the White Sox a serious beating twice in one day, and basically just reveled in again being with my own “stuff”. I also cried. A lot. So much that I was beginning to worry about the state of my emotional health. But when I thought about it some, I realized I was crying not so much out of despair and anguish but for release.

For the first time in eight weeks, I was all alone with the one person I can really truly be myself around. I just let it all go. I let go of all the frustration of this summer not being what I thought it would. I dropped the façade that I didn’t realize I had put on for everyone- even myself. I cried out of relief that Dean and I were on the same page about this time away making our relationship stronger and what endless possibilities awaited my return. I cried out of joy that my kitties chose not to ignore me the whole time but resumed life as if nothing had happened and I cried that I have to leave them again for almost the same amount of time.

I also cried because I turned 28 yesterday. And more than turning 28, I was upset that I had to spend the day on an airplane, saying good-bye again and that like everything else, our annual Birthday Beach Trip was put on hold until the end of August. Every year Dean takes me to a different beach for a weekend getaway of sunning, swimming, relaxing and drinking. This year, I opted to spend my precious time at home with the cats and defer my Birthday Beach Trip to "after I’m back" - that nebulous, seemingly unachievable destination. So even though Dean brought me breakfast in bed with a tear-jerking card (anything would have done it at this point) and some chocolates (because I wouldn't be able to enjoy the usual bouquet of flowers), my birthday was bound to suck.

I had booked an early afternoon flight back to Minneapolis (depart Tampa 2pm, arrive 4 pm) so that we could have a leisurely (if not melancholy) morning and I could still have a nice supper with Dad, Stepmom and Stepsis. The Minneapolis weather had other plans, and shortly before our final decent into the Twin Cities a storm swept through and forced us to redirect into Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Sitting on the ground, in the plane with (understandably) impatient children for four hours was not how I anticipated spending yesterday. I knew my birthday wouldn’t be as good as some years, but I had no idea it could be quite so sucky. When the Twin Cities airport finally resumed accepting flights, it took forever to get luggage and the place was a madhouse so I didn’t get back to Dad’s until after 9. Thankfully, dinner was made and I did get to enjoy my fried chicken, garlic mashed potatoes, sautéed green beans and made-from-scratch cornbread. But afterwards it was straight to bed to recover and get back to reality. So that’s where I sit. Once again, counting days (24) until Dean’s next visit, and weeks (7) until I get to go home for good.

Cube Life

First of all I must say that I wasn’t expecting the outpouring of encouragement about the cat situation. I wrote that rant just to get it out of my head. I was beginning to obsess about it; the old knotty feeling in my stomach was coming back. It seemed like giving my problem to the blogosphere helped in the past and once again it didn’t disappoint. Thank you for putting yourself in my shoes for a few minutes giving me your impressions. You all really mean a lot to me.

Now moving on. It was three and a half weeks ago that I wrote this and I think it is worth revisiting the topic. The main issue I want to address is: Have things changed? The honest answer is sort of. Despite Dean’s pleas of “please don’t worry about it until you get home!” I am feeling a little more sure of myself and a little less lost.

I think I’ve done a better job of fitting in than I was a few weeks ago. I’m more or less officially in the Friday lunch crowd. Seeing as though my income is nearly 100% disposable at this point I find great pleasure in the expensive restaurants we go to! I occasionally walk with the walking crowd in the afternoons. And I’ve finally exposed myself as the liberal cat-lover I am. (Side note: In academia pretty much all physicists are democrats. Not so in industry. Apparently things change when you hit the $100k/year mark. But I will not be swayed!) Most importantly, these days I see my role in this company more clearly.

Over the course of group meetings and conversations I’ve become acutely aware that there is a Ph.D. student scheduled to graduate at the same time as me and the group I’m in badly wants him to join. It is unlikely they would want us both to join the group and if they did, I would certainly be in this guy’s shadow. His dissertation is on the exact topic I’m working on now. It’s almost as if he was groomed to work for this group and I don’t think that’s a coincidence. When I learned of this, I was surprisingly relieved. That ruled out scenarios 1 and 3 on my list. And scenario 2 in which I speculated that finding a different job in the Minnesota branch of the company was unlikely may not even be correct. I have sat in on meetings with experimental groups who look like they are doing interesting stuff. Of course the groups working at the California branch are doing the most interesting work but that’s not surprising in the least. However California is absolutely not an option for us. Sorry, Cali friends but it’s just way too far from home. My biggest geographical constraint right now is we must be east of (or on) the Mississippi River.

So anyway, working for this company in this location may not be out of the question after all. I’ve had a very frank discussion about this with Dr. Hari, who thinks it would be a good idea to network with these other groups as long as it isn’t at the expense of my productivity. Since it is becoming more of an understanding that this is just a summer arrangement, I don’t anticipate anyone feeling used or deceived. (Dr. Hari, the king of puns, made it well known in this conversation that he doesn’t see me pursuing a career in modeling- not that I’m not pretty enough. Thanks.) Working here in an experimental role is definitely attractive right now.

Whether or not Dean and I want to move back here is totally up in the air and will be a very weighty decision. It is so easy to be seduced by Minnesota in the summer- the lakes, the endless daylight, the Twins. But we mustn’t forget the desolation and darkness that is winter. However, these past weeks have opened my eyes to the importance of being near family and loved ones. I never appreciated being able to just stop by my mom’s for a beer and the game, or vegging out with stepsis. I’ve arrived at the fact that I could be very happy 9-5 if I could have all those things. As you all know, it’s the climate we struggle with immensely. But who knows- landing a cushy corporate job even at the experimental level isn’t a trivial matter. There may be no decision at all.

The important thing today and tomorrow is that I’m content. Contentness makes the days go fast and makes me miss Deano just a tiny bit less.

Floodgates

I have been conspicuously absent from the blogging world lately, doing the obligatory weekly check in and picking a few e-friends to visit every couple of days. There have even been a couple wanderers over here from other blogs and under normal circumstances I would happily explore their space as well and see how much this stranger may have in common with me. If you are new and visiting again, have patience. I’ll seek you out eventually. But alas, these aren’t normal circumstances. There are a few good reasons I’ve been scarce, like:

1. My schedule is jam-packed. I work full days and when I get home I usually go for a walk to get some fresh air and exercise. I’m used to being very active in the lab and this desk job is driving me stir-crazy. Then I have a late dinner and if I’m lucky I watch/listen to a bit of the Twins game before washing up, reading about ten pages of my book and then passing out at the premature hour of 10:30 or so.
2. If I were to use the little free time during the week that I have for blogging, I would never complete a post to my satisfaction. Weekends are spent with family and friends (sort of like when I come up for the holidays).
3. In Tampa I’d post a lot and read blogs while in the lab because the work pace is “hurry up and wait” rather than this work which is more like a slow draining of my sanity stretched out continuously over nine hours. Today my two superiors are away and I’m determined to sneak some blog time in.
4. There is so much swimming through my head right now that I’m overwhelmed with where to begin. Since writing these posts is like my own form of therapy, I’m going to try and lay it all for you. Let’s see what advice you may have to offer.

I started off this job knowing that having done it would look very good on my resume. I was also hoping and somewhat anticipating the fit would be so good that I could expect a full time position waiting for me when I graduated. I had allowed myself to fantasize about a life where Dean and I would move back up to Minneapolis, where I’d have a great job with kick ass pay, we’d buy a cute house in the city, and start a family soon after. We’d have all of our friends and family just short car rides away and we’d all get together much more often than twice a year. Everything just perfect and wonderful. Well I’ve been working here now for close to three weeks and I can see a couple of different situations emerging from this experience. I know it’s still early, but I’m getting nervous because it’s really not that early.

Situation A. Things could turn around, and the fantasy life I had envisioned would be possible. Dealing with this situation is a no-brainer.

Situation B. I could end the summer with a clear idea that the group I’m working for doesn’t think this is a good fit. I’ve heard rumors from a couple of new full time hires that this group is difficult to get hired into. One new Ph.D. told me that his dissertation was based exactly on this group’s work but he couldn’t join after graduation because the group wasn’t hiring. He had to settle for doing something completely different but he was willing to do that because he liked the company and the Twin Cities area. Dealing with this situation would be difficult because I would be faced with the decision to start over someplace else or go for a job at this facility like the new Ph.D. did. That would be hard to do because this group is the only group at this facility that does more physics-based research rather than straight engineering. Starting over someplace else could involve starting with a fresh company or national lab or else checking out the same company at a different campus (they have facilities all over the world). I’ve heard that interning at one facility gives you an edge for full time positions at any other. In summary, this situation would force me to choose between materials physics, or stay in Minneapolis. Seeing as though I’m not qualified for much else at this point, it’s likely I’d go someplace else.

Situation C. Things could not turn around and I could feel exactly the same way about this job as I do now, but they could want to hire me. And quite honestly, I don’t love what I’m doing right now. But they are paying me a butt load just for an internship. That situation would make me choose between living near family and friends, making good money, doing some sort of magnetic physics or else just walking away because it isn’t like what I’m doing in the lab. And I love what I’m doing in the lab.

Situation B worries me a little, but I’ve talked to Dean about it, and he has the type of easygoing attitude that I need for him to have. Some days he’d like to live here again, some days the adventurer in him comes out and he goes on the internet to learn about different cities and ask me if there are jobs for me in them. It’s situation C that really has me concerned. What do I “settle” for? And is it settling if it’s a job everyone covets but me? Would things be different if I were in the quiet cubicle across the aisle with a permanent nameplate? The good news is I ask myself these questions every day, and the feelings get a little better. But the scientific culture shock is still very much there.

I knew going into this that there would be lot riding on this summer. I knew that my career, and thus our future could take shape without even having my husband here for every en-or-discouraging sign no matter how small. But anticipating it and living it are two very different things. So there. Now I’ve opened the floodgates of my mind. Any suggestions?

First Week

Well, I survived my first week at my internship. It was touch and go at first but I persevered.

I don’t think I can tell you too much about this job because I had to sign a bunch of confidentiality agreements. I can tell you that I’m working for a large company that is well known for making hard drives. Working in an atmosphere were I am right in the middle of literally cutting edge technology is just awesome. That’s all I can describe it as.

My job is more of a desk job because I’m doing theoretical work- something I’ve had to make major adjustments for. It’s very strange to me to work in a QUIET office, at a desk in a cubicle and have extremely technical, intense physics conversations. There is no “hands on”, no “tinkering” and no equipment besides the 100 computer cluster I’ve been doing calculations on that’s located somewhere in the basement.

Another big difference is the (lack of) interaction and encouragement I’ve had. I realize that this is corporate America and I can’t expect people to hold my hand the whole time, unlike the lab where my “advisor” has that title for a reason. The attitude here is more akin to being dragged out in the middle of a lake, being dumped over the side and told to sink or swim. To continue the metaphor, I feel like I am finally starting to doggy paddle a little after much flailing and struggling to keep my head above water. And by doggy paddle I mean that I’m getting the job done though I’m somewhat slow and inefficient.

I knew I would miss Deano while I was away, but I thought it would be more like the dull ache I feel when I leave for a week here and there for holidays and conferences. What I didn’t anticipate was the void I would feel not having him here for me during a few of the most stressful days I’ve ever had. You know you’re an adult when your parents try to comfort you, but you really just want your husband to hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay. Because let me tell you, I’ve had my doubts this week.

I’m not going to write much more right now because my ass is dragging. The hours are long and the intellectual and emotional challenges have drained me. There is so much I want to do while I’m in my hometown but at this rate I’m not going to get much done. I guess I have to just get used to things though I know it will take a little while.

Loose Ends

Today I met with Dr. Hari for the last time before I leave. This whole week has been a week of “last times” which is only adding to my wrecked nerves. In the lab I’ve been explaining to my lab mates where I left off on measurements so they can resume smoothly after I’m gone. At home I’ve been training Dean to be a feral cat caregiver. I’ll think he’ll make a good crazy cat lady. The mood in the lab has been exhaustion mixed with excitement as I struggle to tie up loose ends and get ready for a grown up job. At home, the mood has been melancholy, wistfulness and sentimental. This isn’t going to be easy.

At the meeting today we discussed the status of my (several) projects. Dr. Hari wants to know if there are any updates to give collaborators. We went down a rather extensive list and got to a collaborator whose sample is giving us trouble. The data we get is intricate, the curves display four distinct features- I am used to interpreting two, at most three features and this one has me stumped. When Dr. Hari and I met with him in Denver to go over it, we all agreed the data was interesting but that we would need to be careful trying to explain what is happening. Afterwards, Dr. Hari told me that we had already spent an exhaustive amount of time on this sample and since we didn’t know what was going on with it, we should think about not pursuing it any further. After that, I made a couple other graphs and notes to bring to the project to completion to a level where I was satisfied putting it away for awhile.

It was wrapping up our meeting when I off-handedly asked Dr. Hari if he wanted to take a look at my final thoughts and attempts at interpreting this data. He shrugged and opened the entire PowerPoint file we had presented to the collaborator with my final slide added to the end.

He looked at the entire file as if he had never seen it before, marveling at how nice the data looked and expressed a lot of interest in rekindling our collaboration. I reminded him about our difficulty about interpretation, when he started listing off various possibilities and said he was immediately going to start reading up on the material. He was going to personally call our collaborator and talk about how to proceed. It was like I was presenting this data to a completely different person. When he got to the final slide I added to the end, he started talking about presenting it at the magnetism conference in November.

Why am I telling you this? It sounds great, right? Well he then yelled at me for “sitting on” the data too long without doing anything about it.

He told me two months ago not to pursue this project.

Being a grad student sometimes involves nodding your head and taking heat when you know to be in the right. I think this is a good lesson for the real world.

Good News for Me, Nothing Changes for You

I got some good news late last week. I interviewed for an internship at a prestigious magnetic hard drive company. I thought this interview was a total long shot and I barely gave any thought to the logistics. The reason I interviewed at all was because since I am in an applied physics Ph.D. program, we are required to complete an internship with a private company. Some students have really taken advantage of this system and taken unique opportunities all over the country and overseas. Others have simply "phoned it in" by spending a couple weeks working for the "companies" that some departmental professors own for intellectual property reasons. These companies may or may not physically even exist, but the requirements for the internship are QUITE loose. Frankly, I was planning on phoning it in. Dean talked me in to going for a position, specifically at this company. And seemingly against all odds, I got the internship!

The details: I will spend three months working for this company, located in Minneapolis. They don't advertise these positions because they won't pay for relocation. They usually only take local applicants, but for me there was an exception because technically they won't need to relocate me. I'll be staying with family, though I haven't figured out whom or for how long. I don't expect one person to put me up for three months so most likely I will be a vagabond wandering from one welcome home to another. Good thing I have a big family.

I'm so excited for this opportunity. An internship from this company will look awesome on my resume, no matter where I want to work. And if Dean and I decide to try being Minnesotans again, I will have a legitimate shot at getting a position there (provided my new boss likes me...). I get to spend the summer in my hometown with family, friends, the lakes, the parks, the pleasant weather (compared to Florida's summer) and of course the Twins.

Of course, I wrote "nothing changes for you" as my readers because I will try to continue posting as much as possible. Though it may be crazy at first. I'm not leaving though for another six weeks.

Afterwards, I am really in the home stretch. Most likely less than a year before graduation, then Dr. Magnetbabe. It's going to be terribly tough being away from Deano and the kitties. But he is going up to Minnesota for 5 days in June and I'm sure I'll get down to Tampa another time. In the meantime it's not like I'll be bored!