Friday, June 16, 2006

Dreams

I have been dreaming about Randy a lot lately. It may be because my life seems to be changing recently and I can't help but divide events into pre- and post- Randy's passing. As much as I couldn't bear the thought of the world going on without Randy in it, I recognize that it must and all I can do is imagine what his reactions to things might be like.

Back to the dreams. They aren't disturbing (like a couple I had immediately after losing him) but more trivial situations that are rendered extraordinary because he is present. In one we were at a ballgame with runner girl. In another he was helping another grad student and me with a research problem. In yet another he, James and I were playing with some of the equipment in the lab (as we often do when we're bored). Last night in my dream he was along while a bunch of us were out to dinner. In these situations, it feels like old times but I know I must enjoy having him with us because he'll have to leave soon. In the first dream all I wanted to do was hug him. I didn't though because I could sense that the other people didn't know that Randy shouldn't have been there. I didn't want to draw attention to my happiness at seeing him, thus putting the dream on a much different course.

Lately though I have been hugging him in my dreams, taking in his familiar scent and letting my head fall to the place on his chest where it used to, about three quarters of the way up. When I finally allow myself to let him go in the embrace, he looks at me rather puzzled and the other people seem startled at my (out of character) display of affection. Then the situation resumes without further disturbance. I've learned to thoroughly enjoy these dreams and wake up feeling refreshed and ever so slightly healed.

4 comments:

gabrielle said...

I'm happy that you have the comfort of these visits with Randy--the opportunity to continue to say goodbye and also perhaps to realize that no one this close is ever really gone.

brainhell said...

I think he enjoys them too. Keep bringing him back.

Scott said...

Those sound like wonderful dreams. I can feel how nice it must feel to have that chance to hug him.

DearOldDad said...

I’ve often wondered whether dreams are entirely a self-manufactured experience or not. Regardless, the emotion they evoke is quite real and the feeling we are left with can linger for days. I’m so happy you are able to still connect with Randy, whether it is his memory or his energy, we’ll never really know.